snoring stroke
Does the beginning make you snore or want to read more?
Well I just started this story about ten mins ago. So before I go on I would like to know about any mistakes I have made. Thanks for the help. Here’s the first few paragraphs.
Quickly Ruby, Emma, Anna, Mark, Denny and I flung ourselves into the tall bushes. A panic of true fear swept over me.
“How do the hunters keep finding us?” Denny asked as he through himself into my arms.
Gently I stroked back his short dark brown hair and said, “I don’t know honey. I really don’t. All I know is that were all going to be okay!” I hated to lying to him, but sometimes it was easier to say, “hey everything’s going to be fine,” rather then saying, “nope were all going to die.”
Distant gun shots and explosions could be heard coming from the north.
“Jasmine,” Mark said with fear in his deep blue eyes.
“What?’ I asked hoping I didn’t look as afraid as I really was.
Definitely drop that long list in the first sentence, and just say, “we”. It’s too much to hit the reader with all those named characters in the first few words.
Also, it sounds a little unrealistic that they’re getting all chatty while they’re being hunted. They probably want to be quiet and talk later.
Other than that, it’s pretty good.
Qik – Sam Wise the Great Snoring like a Freight by Wesley tyler
Related posts:
